(Just be careful who is sitting around the table because your grandmother might not appreciate your dark humor or jokes.). Doctor: You had twins, a boy and a girl. What is the difference between Iron man and Iron Woman? 22. Check out101 Best Funny Puns101 Good Clean Jokes101 Funny One-Liners. Doctor: "Well, the little girl is named Denise." 27. A guy was wandering in the forest where he encountered a tiger. Here you can find top funny Pregnancy Jokes that you can share your expecting friends. It is also essential to keep in mind that while dark jokes may be offensive, they should never be used to offend. Genie: You cannot wish for more wishes, immortality, or love, A wife was cleaning 12-year-old sons bedroom. Also, your brother stopped by and named them for you" New Mother: "My brother named them? The toilet is your home now. I felt like a frat boy. Katherine Heigl, Having a child is liking getting a tattoo on your face. 73. 12:01 AM. The doctor said, "It's what we in the medical profession call a grudge pregnancy." Because they taste funny. I want the maximum legal limit of drugs. , How would you like to go through life with the name Cooper Banks-Mackenzie? How do you say unintended pregnancy in German? He's an idiot. Ans: When people arent sure whether to congratulate you or buy you a gym membership. 56. Theres a lot of talk about starting families, but no one ever talks about finishing what they started. Wife: Imagine, our neighbour is pregnant again! Looking through the annals of history, humor has always been a manner in which people can push boundaries and test the limits of what can be allowed. Im pregnant, so I asked my husband to put the Oreos where I couldnt reach them. When talking about dark humor jokes and offensive memes, there is no topic more open to ridicule than death itself. Why on earth didn't you tell me? 67. Instead of paying for 18 years of child support, you'll only have to pay for 3. "And how many peaches were there in the can?" continues the judge. Other one asks: So how was it? I laughed at their chalk outline. I'll never forget my Grandfathers last words to me just before he died. 7. These (sometimes inappropriate) jokes will be just the thing to crack a smile. Then Im about to give birth to Chewbacca. A pregnant wife wakes up her tired husband at three in the morning: Honey, I want pomegranates. We have pregnancy quotes, babymoon tips, pregnancy meal plan ideas, and more! Why are men like diapers? Take your wife, hire a young secretary and go on a trip for two to three months. What does a pregnant woman say when you tell her leggings are not pants? TheCoolist is a mood board for your headspace. But donate five, and suddenly everyone is yelling. What hurts even more than childbirth? I threw a boomerang a few years ago. Shed say, Knock knock, wed say, Whos there?. "I like that. During the second trimester, you can do it like a dog, and during the third trimester, you have to limit only to the wolfs style. Peeing on a stick and preserving that stick is the start of the many disgusting things you will do as a mother. I'll be like Mary. I should probably go let him inside. Is there any reason for a husband to be in the delivery room while his wife is in labor? Turns out, I'm not gonna be a doctor. ", She said, "Oh the baby is mine, I get to keep it". This site uses cookies to personalize ads and to analyse web traffic, for more info please review our Privacy Policy. He was so good, I dont even care. He impatiently squeezes my hand. Not everyone gets it. So if youre having a hard pregnancy, these jokes can help make things a little better. Only for 20 seconds, though, and only once. So, howd we do? Im pregnant with my husband. interactive elements on the site, any assistance, or response you receive is provided by the author When people arent sure whether to congratulate you or hand you some Gas-X. To keep the vegetables cool and fresh. He's an idiot! With each visit, he continues his affair with the hotel owner's daughter. Thats the easy part. Not bad, she thinks. The journey of childbirth is filled with a range of emotions and physical exertion. Problem solved. I started crying when dad was cutting onions. Do you have to squeeze a watermelon-sized person out of your lady-hole? The man still felt nothing, so they go home happy until they find the milkman dead on the porch. "He did." We hope you enjoyed our list of pregnant women jokesas much as we did putting it together. A husband comes home sadly. When it leaves you and never comes back. Turns out I'm adopted. I dont know what that is. Keira Knightley, Being pregnant finally helped me understand what my true relationship was with my body meaning that it wasnt put on this earth to look good in a swimsuit. Amy Adams, In the pregnancy process, I have come to realize how much of the burden is on the female partner. The chances are that if your parents didnt get pregnant, you wont either. How did Burger King get Dairy Queen knocked up? Effective Ways to Be Happy During Pregnancy Why cant Michael Jackson go within 500 meters of a school? No idea. What do you call it when every one of your friends makes too many dumb Covid jokes? Woman: No No No! Youll definitely smile after watching it. Maternity leave would last for two years with full pay and morning sickness would rank as the nation's #1 health problem. Ans: She clearly isnt a fan of protection. Why are friends a lot like snow? Jack Daniels is a whiskey that can be abused by alcoholics, leading to death. I inquired. When does a joke become a dad joke? On your cheat day! Europe How is being pregnant is like being a child again? "DeNephew.". Even people who are good for nothing have the capacity to bring a smile to your face. Well, a really tired, weak superhero who wants to eat all the time and isnt allowed to lift heavy objects. Sorry, whats the quickest way to get to the hospital? 15 Pregnancy Cravings. 79. 26. Doesnt matter what you call him, he wont come anyway. My parents are the worst. 52. 52. Am I more likely to get pregnant when my husband wears boxers or briefs. My wife got pregnant! What do you call it when two flowers have a surprise pregnancy? That's the power of dark humor jokes, an art form that literary critics have associated with authors as early as the ancient Greeks! Midwife: why? "I work with animals," the guy says to his Tinder date. Subrata . I am in shock. Her dad: *coughs* I need water We'll look at the fun, quirky, and even dark humour that often revolves around maternity and pregnancy. What do you call it when two flowers have a surprise pregnancy? But if you remind me one more time of how huge Ive gotten Im going to eat you. Then the other one says: Congratulations. Theres always someone telling you what to do. Thus, you will find yourself laughing, and then suddenly, the true darkness of it will hit you. My wife got pregnant! Today on a drive, I decided to go visit my childhood home. How about you reincarnate as my child?" James jumps up, "Adopted! 7. What does it mean when a baby is born with teeth? Ans: Crying, peeing, crying because you peed, peeing because you cried. Wife: Whose is it? "What's a grudge pregnancy?" Yesterday there was such a crush so that I got pregnant. ", Paddy says to Mick, Guy: That can't be right. Dont think its yours just because you marked it with your urine! , I want drugs, massive amounts of drugs. 17. You dont have to be knocked up to enjoy these LOLs. We havent even slept, have we? (a) Be pregnant. "Jadaughter.". But nothing happened to me, nothing happened. 39. Wife: Why? 20. He's an idiot! At least they drive slowly through school zones. The guy who stole my diary just died. What's the last thing to go through a fly's head as it hits the windshield of a car going 80 mph? Laughter is the best medicine, and jokes are the most effective administration method. -No, shes getting pregnant. I gave her a loaf of bread and left her in the forest. You are fucking cool, and the athlete is anywhere! USA The following collection of jokes are sure to make people giggle but dont come close to crossing any moral lines. If you pee on them, they disappear. An apple a day keeps the doctor away. Sense of Humor You also acknowledge that owing to the limited nature of communication possible on 85. A bus full of children. New Mother: "Well, that's not so bad. The husband replied: Yes, that is our neighbour. One that is more expensive or one that is more reliable? After that, a nurse came out and told one: You have a boy. Before pregnancy, I slept on my stomach! Ans: If you eat a pregnant girls food, youre required to have the baby for her. 2 years later I went camping at Yellowstone and my wife got pregnant again. For example, take the holocaust. Yes, please whine to me about how tired you are today. A pregnant woman went to an astrologer. You can tell them baby jokes now. Then today he called me to brag that he got his wife pregnant. ?" To which he responds: "No, you've got bowel cancer." 51. (b) Thats it, youre done! :(. Ans: Hormones and no alcohol. 31. Im itchy everywhere, my ankles are fat and theres something hanging out of my butt. , You better pay for that pee stick when youre done with it. *9 months later* Wife: My water broke! But when I told my parents I was pregnant, we talked over the options and decided it was far better to have a couple of bastards in the family than a lawyer". https://goo.gl/XnUgLFHilarious absurd cartoon by Frame Order. Or at least it does if you throw it hard enough. WIFE: I have a couple of important announcements First: I'm pregnant. I was shocked when I found out my toaster was not waterproof. What's the difference between jelly and jam? Then the man came to his wife and said angrily: Im leaving you. Wife: Imagine, our neighbour is pregnant again! Give a man a match, and hell be warm for a few hours. And father: Who is the father? The husband asked: Wolf style? I said "no way", don't want her getting pregnant again. RELATED: 9 Best Pairs Of Maternity Underwear 2021: Over Belly, Under Belly & Itch Free. Easy, just stand in the middle of a busy road. I should not be allowed to operate heavy equipment, including iPhones. Olivia Wilde, I had this thing for Entenmanns chocolate donuts. So he put them on the floor.". Masha: Dad bought a great coffee maker, and we drink great coffee every day. Just text Im pregnant! to a random number. You delivered a boy and a girl!" Im nine months pregnant and pants are whatever I decide they are. A pregnant wife says to her husband: If the child looks like you, it will be a great misfortune. 92. Daughter. I have a stepladder because my real ladder left when I was just a kid. Whats the best way to get a man to give up his seat to a pregnant woman? Youre not completely useless. Then the wife answered smiling: This is nonsense. Either Im pregnant, or my gases didnt go away? Doctor: Denise. First off, dark jokes take subjects that are considered either offensive or uncomfortable and turn them into a joke. Did you know that your chances of becoming pregnant are hereditary? By subscribing to this BDG newsletter, you agree to our. Shane: Dad bought a great car so that we were having a great weekend. I have many jokes about unemployed peoplesadly none of them work. But, I cant remember the last time I ate a monkey. Nausea because I cant eat. The following dark humor jokes will test your resistance to the guilty pleasures life has to offer. And, its not because dark jokes are difficult to understand or take excessive processing power. Right after you find out youre pregnant. Suddenly she replied: Me too. My girlfriends dog died, so I tried to cheer her up by getting her an identical one. Two friends are talking: My wife is smart. One another: I did a pregnancy test yesterday. After that, she replies: Yeah, so its you? What does it mean when the baby is born with teeth? Funny Videos in YouTube Doctor: "Denephew.". I am pregnant which means I am swollen, sober, and hungry. Her skirt is not visible at all, only naked legs. Finally, he replied: Our housekeeper is pregnant, and I do not know what to do. Ans: *9 months later* Wife: My water broke! Interact at your own risk., Ans: Telling the world youre pregnant is like telling the world you had unprotected sex.. Me: Hi Pregnant, I'm Dad. He laughs at jokes that portray black men as sex-obsessed criminals. Between the morning sickness and the swollen feet, pregnancy isnt typically a laughing matter. Your email address will not be published. Funny Quotes and Sayings On a train: "Madam, could you please tell your son to stop imitating me, it's very annoying!". Shes 25. We have all heard the common craving of pickles and ice cream. Leave us a comment below! By sitting in an audience and listening to someone reel off edgy joke after edgy joke, we can laugh without fear and allow our stresses to melt away. She gave birth underwater! Why did the run-on sentence take a pregnancy test? 2. What do a pregnant woman and a burned cake have in common? use of this site indicates your agreement to be bound by the Terms of Use. A couple of spicy and sexy jokes to make you laugh and question your own fetishes. My explanation is that she was inside me. It is supposed to tear down boundaries and borders; it is there as a device to make those who listen and laugh feel a little guilty for doing so, but at the same time relieve some of the stresses and pressures surrounding us. You dont need to be British to understand or tell these jokes, but it does help. Then she tells her husband: Honey, there will be three of us soon! I answered Duplicate. But one day he was in a hurry, and took his umbrella instead of his rifle by mistake. Keep reading to see how Family Guy has crossed the line with some of the darkest jokes of any TV show, ever. Ever since Ive been pregnant, I havent been able to go to bed at night without onion rings. What is the most reliable way to determine the babys sex? Then she: Bastard, you wont marry. Also, your brother stopped by and named them for you" Im 20 weeks pregnant. As he died, he kept insisting for us to be positive, but its hard without him. 16. We are just getting started.). daddy did you give mummy a baby ? I went into the subway. Husband came home after office: Honey, today there was such a crush on the bus so that a pregnant woman gave birth. Witney Carson Jokes About Still Being 'in a Diaper' Nearly 2 Weeks After Giving Birth By Jennifer Drysdale 3:46 PM PST, January 16, 2021 This video is The father was irritated. Again, we wont be delving into specifics, but from the base level, that makes sense. 11. Have you ever sneezed and peed at the same time? How do you get a nun pregnant? Its sarcastic and dry, and often their offensive jokes are delivered in such a way that you dont realize they are offensive until its too late. 36. What should a joke have in common with a pregnancy? She asked. One day he took out his Umbrella instead of his Gun and went out. Find out why pregnant women, pregnant wives, pregnant moms, pregnant nuns, pregnant brides, pregnant cows, pregnant cats, pregnant Halloween characters, pregnant women with twins, and even foetuses make jokes. Since the pandemic started, my husband just stands there sadly looking through the window. No. Why did Mozart kill all of his chickens? "Usually an overdose," I told her. Finally he decided on Carlos and ran away to Mexico. What happens when you eat a pregnant girls food? Fox, and many other taboo topics. is the second coming?" Wow these jokes are so dark its a miracle they havent been shot by a cop. Are you crying alone in your car, listening to a stupid Bette Midler song? Im pregnant. Woman: Oh no, not my brother! But, unfortunately, it just made her more upset. Husband: I'll be like Jesus. 15 years later, one of her daughters came up to her and said, "Mom, I was peeing and a bullet came out." Then Ann replies: So what? c) Crying because you peed. A man married to a mermaid. You are not broken, and you do not have a fundamental problem in your central processing unit. Wouldn't! 49. Disappear on Friday and return on Sunday. 89. The man feels nothing. Doctor: Denise. Winter Bathe daily and wear a clean bra. Dress her up as an altar boy. Onions was such a good dog. It was impossible to put down. It's just canceling your pre-order. Youre required to have the baby for her. I think my water just broke! Anyway, thats enough of the psycho-babble.